Dear Uncle Jay-jay,
I am writing this with hopes that you do stumbled on this blog one day and stop leaving a trail of broken hearts in your wake. You know that I know what you are;I have been monitoring you for years. I know the day you swore to become a Yoruba demon.
You were with that your jobless Bet9ja friend that morning. It was also the day to joined Ingramgram (some people still call it Instagram). I could hear you commenting aloud on each post till you saw the first mention of what you have become.
I heard you telling your friend of the benefits being a Yoruba demon would bring—the girls, the class, the car, the gang. He wasn’t cut out for it, well, he was (and is) a broke *#%* anyway.
But you were working at Access Bank, you already had a cool ride and an android device, but those would not get you anywhere.
You consulted the godfathers in the game and they dashed you The Beginner’s Guide to being a Yoruba Demon. I was there when you were writing your shopping list. I still have it in my head.
Yoruba Demon Beginner Necessities
- Three set of white agbada.
- Two sets of black traditional attire.
- Two pairs of Ray Bans sun shades.
- A plush car—already taken care of.
- New iPhone 6 (black colour).
- One side-phone—already taken care of.
You got all these, I even followed you to Computer Village to buy the iPhone. And you were feeling fulfilled.
But the godfathers said you needed some extra special skills to be a professional Yoruba demon. So you downloaded one book, The Yoruba Demon: a Complete Manual to Behavioural Tactics.
You spent a week reading this book and one day, I saw a note you discarded. I still have it here.
Newbie Yoruba Demon Vital Skills
- That demonically sincere smile: the number one tool to melting hearts and keeping your grip. Essential to make them panties drop.
- A lying tongue: vital to keeping each girl in place 1001 other uses.
- A cheating spirit: without which you are not a true Yoruba demon.
- A dead conscience: your pitiless conscience can’t be allowed to get in the way of breaking those hearts.
- A black hole where your heart should be: demons
don’thave hearts…it’s that simple
- A PhD in lying-matics: your demonic smile may not always work due to bad network, then, your lying tongue + your hard earned PhD in lying becomes vital.
- Inbuilt Female Analytic Software (IFAS): make sure your IFAS is up to date with the latest shortcuts and upgrades. It will help you identify potential heartbreak customers much easier.
So this were some of the notes you made while reading The Yoruba Demon: a Complete Manual to Behavioural Tactics.
When you were done with all these, you were formally inducted into the brotherhood.
Since then, you have never missed any Friday or Saturday Owambe (for my non-Nigerian readers, Owambe means Yoruba parties).
You currently have more than 20 sets of white Agbada and black trads. Big Uncle Jay-jay is currently using an iPhone 7Plus. You have over 25k followers on Ingramgram and you also have two plush rides now.
My dear Uncle Jay-jay, you have broken the following hearts: Amarachi, Zita, Chikwelu, Jessica, Sandra, Cleo, Bharbi and others I do not know of.
The last I heard, you were being inducted into the
Godfather Confraternity of Yoruba Demons. You have really achieved great heights, all in just a little over three years.
Uncle Jay-jay, just forget all this big grammar I have been writing since. The summary of the whole issue is that I lost your number some months ago. I have given this Yoruba Demon thing some thinking and I’ll like to follow in your footsteps.
Please, teach me your ways.
If you see this, do send me an email from here.